Exploring Heartbreak Through Connection with the Soul
I left my marriage 1 year ago.
“Oh it’s been a year now, think I figured out how, how to think about you without it rippin’ my heart out.” - a very sad song lyric from If the World was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels
Does anyone else love listening to music that makes you cry?
Anyways… It feels like just yesterday, and also, lifetimes ago, which is so strange.
Papers are finalized, the chaos has settled, and I’m in a completely new chapter of life.
As I write this, I’m in a cafe in Costa Rica, living a life that has been calling to me for a long time: a sandy cheeked, minimal-possession-owning, tiny dog-having, tanned, fresh fruit eating, beach girl.
Life is good, really good.
When I sat down to write this piece, this subject was not in my plans. However, it flows through & out of me because I’ve witnessed so much breakup content online lately. As a person who just experienced a pretty traumatic one, I find it hard to believe the authenticity in honoring our emotions & space to heal when we have a camera in our face, which is just one of the reasons I write with passion & vigor.
I want this piece to inspire an alternate approach to the current breakup culture. This is not saying the approach I took was a “better” approach, it’s just different from what I’ve seen flooding the internet. Whether you are going through an uprooting moment now, or want to save this for a rainy day, I hope this piece encourages you to slow down, drop in, and find silence in the midst of heartbreak.
My “New Glow”
Shane Hanner (my brother-in-law and most present person I know) always tells me that the hardest moments in life give us the greatest opportunity for internal evolution. Death, divorce, major accidents, and other life-changing events create an openness & vulnerability in our hearts that we rarely get to experience in this life.
Unfortunately, people usually take heartbreak as a moment to distract themselves the most. I’m speaking to old versions of myself here, too. Whether it's partying more, endlessly scrolling social media, TV overload, talking on the phone constantly, hopping into another relationship, finding more sexual partners… it always seems to be more, more, more. We fill the holes in our hearts with empty nonsense that will not be fulfilling long term. Nor will it help us heal.
Through the last year, I’ve received a lot of comments & messages from people telling me that I look happier than ever and asking how I’ve taken my divorce so positively.
I really attribute this “new glow” to the fact that, in this chapter of my life, I decided to try my absolute best to take Shane’s advice (thank you, Shane). Instead of filling the space in my heart with more emptiness, I went inward to explore and expand on the space.
I took the raw, new-born baby, open-hearted version of myself and nurtured her, honored her, and listened to her.
I did the things I’m highlighting in this blog post and ultimately uncovered the version of me that is carrying on into the next chapter of my life.
It Hurts
If you are currently going through heartbreak, I see you and feel you.
Whether you are the one who decided to leave the relationship or not, heartbreak hurts.
Thinking you were going to spend your life with someone just to find out they are not who you thought they were hurts.
Being cheated on hurts.
Losing someone you love because you made a stupid decision hurts.
Being told your partner is no longer in love with you hurts.
In every form of the word heartbreak hurts. It brings you to your knees and leaves you feeling raw and vulnerable.
I wish this post could take away the hurt, but truly the only thing that does that is time. Be patient & honor your heart.
The lessons are discovered in the vastness.
Don’t Make the Post
This has to be the first section I touch on here because my soul can barely take what’s happening online right now.
After recently experiencing such a powerful heartbreak, it PAINS ME to see how many people are commenting, posting, and sharing about their breakups. For people who have an online presence, posting that you are going through a life transition, or even talking about the way you’re feeling in your mind & body is not where I see the disconnect from the heart. I’m also not saying that we can never talk about the details publicly. What I’m shocked about is seeing people posting all the details of their heartbreak as soon as it takes place, before there has been any time to reflect, honor, & process. Are we really posting trending “POV” posts about divorce a few weeks after it happens? Are we really posting videos of ourselves crying, talking about how someone cheated on us as we are going to break up with them?
We are not honoring love. We are not honoring the body & mind as it moves through the intense process of disconnection from another soul.
Why are we not holding these deep emotions sacred?
The thing is, there were absolutely moments when I wanted to share juicy details about my story online, and mind you, I don’t have a large reach. Looking back, I’m in immense gratitude for the people in my life, and my heart, for encouraging me to wait.
When I thought about the reasons I wanted to share more intimate details, it was for external validation and views. And I’m certain that is why other people do it too.
Our minds are being trained to think that heartbreak is something that we can use to gain followers and monetary value. What a damaging concept.
“I’m doing it so that other people know they are not alone in heartbreak.”
“I’m doing it because I have created a brand about authenticity and not sharing means I’m lying to my audience.”
“I’m doing it to explain why I’m showing up differently online.”
Whatever way you look at it, sharing online heightens dopamine temporarily because you are receiving likes and affirmation from others. However, when the notifications stop rolling in and you are alone again, the hurt still remains. Much like rebound sex.
The instant gratification from your following, or new followers, might feel good for a moment, but the truth here is that people are only looking because they love drama. They want to hear the nitty gritty. Sadly, next week they will be on to the next “hot” story, and there you are, alone, again, still feeling your heartbreak.
When it comes down to it, heartbreak will be felt & experienced alone, no matter how many online supporters you have.
So why not hold onto heartbreak in its entirety? Are we so scared that if we wait to talk about it not everyone will be on our side? Are we afraid to feel deep hurt?
Feeling the Hurt
My alternate offerings to seeking “more” during heartbreak are highlighted in following sections. I urge you to explore these practices as you move through your moments of rawness. I had my moments of doing the complete opposite of the things I’m discussing below (lol), but when I committed to my heart and traversed these methods, processing, feeling, & accepting became much easier.
Sitting in Meditation & Breathwork: The Bread & Butter
The most important practice to have, in & out of heartbreak.
People run from sitting in silence like it's a plague, especially when experiencing a moment of pain. The easiest thing to do is pick up your phone and doom scroll until your eyes are burning out of your head. However, the beauty is found in the stillness. The essence of who you are, with or without a partner, can only be discovered when you become present.
I know, I wish we could just wave a magic wand and become present, but alas, we cannot. We need to practice presence to train the mind, just as we practice in the gym to train the body. Because we have so much external stimulus as we move about our day, we need to begin our journey to becoming present by meditating.
“Oh, I can’t meditate, my mind races too much.”
This is a statement I hear from many people and almost all of my clients. The good and the bad news is that this is exactly the point of meditation. We need to observe & understand how busy the mind is if we have a chance of calming its state.
Since we are not used to sitting in silence and stillness, most of the time, if we just sit down, close our eyes, and begin meditating, we will sit for our allotted time and let the mind run rampant and then get up and continue about our day. And although the point of meditation is to recognize the state of the mind, it is not to sit and let that state of mind continue with our eyes closed.
To quiet the loudness that is our mind, it is very helpful to use meditation tools. My favorites are breathwork and the use of a mantra. These tools give us one thing to focus on, so that when our mind wanders, it is easier to notice. Then, with kindness and love, we can guide the mind back to our tool of choice. Repeating this over and over and over. We use these tools in hopes that one day, we can release the singular point of focus all together and rest in the expansive awareness that is our true nature.
But! In the meantime, let’s stick with the tools, shall we?
My favorite breathwork app to use is Apnea Trainer. It’s $2.99 and is very simple to operate. This app can be used to increase your body’s capacity for CO2, which in turn, lowers levels of anxiety and betters your stress adaptation. This is the perfect tool to allow your nervous system to regulate during heartbreak, lower your stress levels, and allow you to become more present. A triple whammy.
The second tool is the use of a mantra, defined as a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation. One of my favorite mantras is “I love you,” inspired by my sister, Lauren. Inhale, “I,” pause, “love,” exhale, “you.” In this practice, you will be saying the words internally and keeping the breath as slow & relaxed as you can. Again, any time you feel the mind wandering & clinging onto juicy thoughts, gently guide it back to your mantra.
The trick with meditation is that we are not waiting for something MASSIVE and magical to happen. If you spend time in meditation every day expecting visions and revelations and fireworks, you are missing the point. We are practicing to calm the mind. That’s it. There is nothing sexy about it.
What IS sexy is the deeper understanding you gain of your internal world by sitting in silence. There are beautiful, subtle underlying qualities that emerge when we learn how to calm the mind. You will be more inclined to speak your truth, confidently state your needs, stay calm in stressful situations, and more, when you dedicate yourself to a meditation practice.
Along with uncovering a beautiful essence, meditation & breathwork allow emotion to flow through the body. There is no need to identify, define, or break down the emotions that arise, just feel them, and let them flow through and out of you. I can’t tell you how many good cries I’ve had while sitting in meditation.
Silence & stillness gives our body time to exhale, ground, and process. Through heartbreak, I can’t imagine anything more important.
Stop Talking About It
Another small mention about sharing details online, and specifically sharing quickly, is that your view on things that happened in your relationship will change as you move through your healing process. Now I agree, some things are black & white, but other things may transform into lessons that you weren’t expecting.
This is why it’s so important not to mull over things 1 million times, or tell everyone your opinion of the occurrences at first thought. Our mind loves to strongly cling to the juicy thoughts that we feed it. The more we ruminate over the thoughts, the stronger they become. Much like a sugar addiction.
Give yourself time to expand and transition to a new version of you, before clinging onto the identity of frantically developing thoughts.
Practicing mediation is a great way to quiet the thoughts (see previous section).
For an even more immediate action, stop talking about it.
No matter how many people you talk to about the breakup, or moments you sit and let your mind run wildly over every detail, all the decisions you make through your breakup will come through your body, not your mind or the opinions of others.
What I mean by this is that your body knows. Your body knows if you will eventually forgive the person. Your body knows if it’s time to cut ties for good. Your body knows how to unravel the trauma that you endured.
So, be in your body. Talking excessively about your circumstances and breakup nuances will only further pull you away from your healing.
If you notice your mind running wildly, pick up a journal (or see “Leaning on Meaningful Friendships” section below) . Sometimes it helps to just get the thoughts out of your body. Set a timer, light a candle, vent to the paper, and then make a commitment to yourself that when you are done, you will do something for you. Take a bath, go to the beach, put your toes in the grass, do something to get grounded and get back into your body.
An Important Side Note
Don’t send the texts to your ex. You cannot find comfort in the one who hurt you, even if they have been your comfort in the past. Talking things over with them (unless you are both trying to remedy the relationship) will not change the circumstances. Nothing you can ever do, or say, will stop you from being with the person you are meant to be with. If you are meant to be, you will be. So take this time apart to dig deep into your internal world and see what you can learn.
My favorite thing to do to fight this urge was to start a ‘Notes’ page on my phone. Most of the time, when I would go back and read what I wrote down (and didn’t send) I was really happy I didn’t send it.
The closure you are seeking comes from within.
I repeat.
The closure you are seeking comes from within.
Somatically Releasing Energy
Disconnecting from another person’s energy is no joke. We go from seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, & touching another soul to being completely removed. You have permission to give your body time to process this transition.
When we stay distracted through heartbreak, we are trapping the hurt inside our cells. Especially if the ending was not pretty.
If we want to feel through the body and get to the point where “our body knows,” we must somatically release the relationship energy.
Dance, dance, dance. Your body is craving movement. I’m not talking about the kind of dancing we do in the clubs here. I’m talking about turning on some music that moves you, closing your windows (if you care about your neighbors seeing you), and letting your body flow. Flail your arms around, sink down against the wall, collapse onto your bed, move in a way that you would assume a theatrical performer would.
I can’t tell you just how healing this movement will be for your body, you just need to experience it for yourself. Many times that I expressed (and express, yes, I still do this over 1 year later) big movements, it ended in bouts of laughter, or streams of tears. Both are equally healing for the soul.
Welcome any emotion that arises while performing for yourself and let it flow, baby.
Sing it out. There is a reason some of the most beautiful songs in the world are about heartbreak. Sometimes only the words of an artist can explain the feelings coursing through your veins. Choose a few of them, and sing it out. This practice is fulfilling for the soul and also physiologically helps heal the dorsal vagal nervous system if you have experienced deep trauma.
Make a ritual out of your bath/shower time. Most of us mindlessly shower while thinking about all the other activities we need to do in our day. Can you challenge yourself to slow down here? Spend some time with your body. Honor what you’ve been through. Massage your body and give gratitude to each part of you. Who needs overthinking when you can use this important time of open-heartedness to reconnect with your vessel.
Leaning on Meaningful Friendships
Ok, ok, I know I said to stop talking about it, but in the moments that you need an ear, lean on your close friendships and family. There is nothing like heartbreak to show you who your true blues are. Ask them if you can have a space to vent (don’t just start unloading on anyone you see, lol) and get some of the words out of your body.
Sometimes journaling & being alone doesn’t quite cut it and it's helpful to have the people who love you listen. I cannot tell you the amount of these moments I needed in the last year. No judgements, no expectations, no advice needed, just people who care about me telling me it was ok to talk it through & to feel. If you are a friend/family member who offered this to me, thank you. I love you & appreciate you deeply.
If you don’t have friendships you can rely on, therapy, coaching, or participating in conscious events in your area are all wonderful options. When I was living in Mexico, I went to a cacao ceremony/silent dancing circle that was immensely healing for my soul. I went alone, connected with other travelers, and had an emotional breakthrough about finding freedom after my breakup.
It may feel scary to put yourself out there and go to a new event alone, or invest in yourself, but there is great beauty found in pushing through fear. It's refreshing to expand your experience horizons and change things up from your usual routine. Who knows, maybe you will uncover a new hobby, or find a new friend that fits effortlessly into your next chapter.
Then What?
In the offerings I have explained in this post, you have the opportunity to slow down and honor the love you shared. You give your body the chance to feel the sacred energy that our body possesses and harness deep emotions as you carry forward.
A hard thing about heartbreak is there is truly no way to know when it will end. We need to have a blind trust that eventually, the heart will heal. No expectations, no forcing, no trying to manipulate the situation, just a knowing that one day this too will pass.
Some days, your body may need a little extra self-love. You may want to have a good cry, do a breathwork session, have a shower ritual, take yourself to dinner, journal, and talk with a friend. Other days you may wake up and realize that presence feels a little easier. The tension in the heart has subsided and today you feel more happiness than anything. Both of these types of days should be honored equally, no matter how long they stick around.
In my journey, opportunities for internal compassion reveal themselves over and over. I’ve had the chance to show myself endless patience while processing emotions tied to new experiences.
Going out on a date could be followed by tears. Going for a few days without thinking about old memories could bring up sadness. Sharing a kiss with someone could bring anxiousness.
Each encounter with “single person behavior” seemed to uncover a new place where I could show myself love & kindness. I hope you do the same.
Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. Be kind.
Do not run from your heartbreak, use this as an opportunity to understand the expansiveness of human emotions.
You get to choose what pieces of you carry forward into your next chapter and the best way to do that is by getting still, allowing your body to process, and discovering what really matters in this life.
I send you so much love on your journey. xx
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I offer 1:1 alignment coaching through the use of breathwork, mediation, parts work/inner child healing, somatic releasing, authentic expression, deliberate cold exposure, & more. I hold a space for you to work through heartbreak, trauma, anxiety, or anything else holding you back from being present in this life.
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