How Meditating for 2 Years Blasted My Heart Open

This week marks my 2 year commitment to becoming more present in my life.

In those 2 years, I have done some form of meditation and/or breathwork for at least 10 minutes a day (minus maybe 15 days for odd circumstances, aka life happenings).

It was in early November 2021 that my brother-in-law opened my eyes to the importance of calming the mind (shout out Shane Hanner).

I was introduced to meditation, breathwork, yoga, and the concept of “presence” at a very young age, but this time, something really struck me in my heart center.

At the time, I was using the breathwork concepts that he was teaching me to combat panic attacks. The engineer in me loved the physiological explanation of why I needed to be consistent with the practices.

I was in the midst of an intense healing journey brought on by sitting with a powerful plant medicine on a trip in Mexico. My mind, body, and soul were trying to process a sexual trauma from my past, along with many other things that had pulled me out of alignment. It felt like my nervous system had been taken out of my body, put on a rollercoaster, then put back inside of me. Clearly, that was a little jarring.

The breathwork & meditation practices were helping the energy in my body figure out what to do, where to go, and how to get grounded again. Physically, they were helping me increase my body’s capacity for CO2, which was helping my stress adaptation skills. Spiritually & mentally, they were helping to somatically release trauma & bring old pieces of me back into the present moment.

I will forever be grateful for having to work through something so painful because it allowed me to have my first glimpse at awakening. I was able to take the worst thing that had ever happened to me and turn it into an opportunity to understand my internal world.

Once I started diving into the idea of presence, there was no turning back. I fell in love with my moments of silence. I looked forward to my daily ritual of sitting with myself. The moments of calm that I felt while sitting on my meditation pillows, very slowly started seeping into my day.

I would notice myself taking deeper breaths if I felt myself lost in thought. My eyes felt like they were opening to the beauty around me. The ocean waves seemed to speak to me. Putting my feet in the sand felt euphoric. Little shiny rocks and intricate leaves caught my attention.

Moments that I needed to scream, I screamed. When I needed a deep cry, I let my body feel the sadness. Big belly laughs with loved ones radiated through my whole being.

It’s hard to know exactly where the changes came from, because they subtly arose in my body and gently began creating a new version of me. A rebirth that I was not expecting.

In creating this new form, the good felt good. And along with it, the bad felt bad.

I became more sensitive to the way people treated me. But not in a “boohoo, woo is me” type of way… more like an “I’m not taking this BS anymore” type of way.

I could feel the burning intensity of energy that did not belong in my life, in many different forms.

This version of me was creating boundaries, finding her voice, and ultimately letting her heart guide her, instead of her racing mind.

The most beautiful combination of softness & courage.

That new version helped me leave my marriage. It helped me process the pain of mourning someone who is still alive. It helped me address my wildly unhealthy relationship with alcohol & drugs. It helped me sell more of my belongings & move to Tulum, MX. It helped me follow my heart to Costa Rica, where I didn’t know a single person. It helped me prioritize meaningful, aligned relationships that fulfill my soul.

I don’t think there are enough words to explain the differences my dedication to practice has made in my life, because my whole being feels renewed and alive.

What I can deduce is that when you dedicate time to stillness and calming your mind, it becomes so much more obvious what things are pulling you out of presence. And in turn, your tolerance to keep those presence-removing things in your life gets smaller and smaller.

If something doesn’t feel good, you want to make a change because the amount of time you spend out of the present moment is not worth it.

The things I shifted in my life over the last 2 years were not small changes, and I knew that they were coming from my core, not from racing thoughts and overthinking. They would arise as ‘feelings of knowing’ in my body that helped me guide my actions and decisions into deeper alignment.

I used to think that we had to create a million different scenarios to make a “right” choice. After 2 years, I know that is not true. There is no right or wrong, there just is. Whatever choice you are making is going to happen no matter what, and better for it to come from a deep state of calm, rather than an overwhelmed state of anxiousness. Your body & heart know how to make decisions, if you give them the space to do so.

I’ll give you an example.

You are in a relationship and your partner has been repeating a behavior that upsets you. Something that you have decided is enough for you to end the relationship. For this scenario we will say your partner has been choosing to go out and party with their friends instead of spending time with you. You have had enough. When they come over tonight, you are ending the relationship. For the last week, you have been mulling over exactly what you are going to say to the person when you make your choice to walk away. You have addressed (in your head) every single scenario you can think of and how you will stay true to your word. You have journaled about it and talked to every friend and family member to confirm that you are making the “right” choice. You haven’t expressed anything to your partner yet, but you have had hundreds of conversations with them in your head.

In the meantime, you have been crying, skipping your workout classes, sleeping in, not doing your best job at work, drinking way too much caffeine (adding to the anxiety), and can barely remember the dinner you had with your friends yesterday because you were so distracted by the endless thoughts about the situation.

The night finally comes where you are doing it, honey! You are ending the relationship because you deserve better!

They knock on your door. You start walking over to answer the door, butterflies in your stomach, telling yourself “you can do this.” Palms sweaty reaching for the doorknob. You open it and….. and…. and….. you just break down and start crying.

The sight of your partner makes your heart drop and you realize you love them so much and are just upset because you want to be spending more time together. They take you in their arms and are concerned about why you are so upset, because of course, you have not mentioned what has been happening in your mind.

You end up sitting on the couch talking for hours. They had no idea it was upsetting you this much and promise to make shifts in their behavior. For this scenario, we will assume there is nothing toxic about the relationship and you really do end up working things out.

My point here is… you have just wasted an entire week of your life (and probably that of your friends too), creating scenarios that had absolutely nothing to do with your final decision. As Shane Hanner puts it, “You cannot rationalize with the heart.”

I know that each of us has experienced something close to this, whether it be with a lover, family member, or career situation. In any scenario, your body would have made a choice for you, whether you had spent a week overthinking about it or not.

Never has there been a time in your life where you couldn’t physically or emotionally make a decision and then life just spontaneously combusted… because here you are, reading this blog.

The decisions will always be made, life will continue on.

Creating practices that help you come back into your body and out of your head helps you to not lose endless amounts of days, hours, and years being lost in your thoughts.

In doing so, you have the opportunity to enjoy this magnificent life.

Each choice you make when you listen through your body will pull you further into alignment and can reduce the amount of stress and suffering that you feel in this human experience.

Now, I’m not saying that after 2 years I’m able to retain a completely calm state and stay present all the time. Of course, I still have my moments of overthinking and mulling over the past & future, it’s just that I can notice when that’s happening. I have had enough moments of presence that I can really tell the difference between moments that I am here, and when I’m lost in the delusion of my own mind. This is a big shift from before when my mind was in a constant state of running thoughts, scenarios, and stories I was telling myself.

I’m proud that I can notice the state of my own mind and that I can experience moments where I wake up from the craziness. Until a few years ago, I didn’t even know that was an option.

The ‘noticing’ for the last 2 years has led me to feel through incredibly challenging moments, expand on my gratitude and capacity for love, and has ultimately guided me right back home, into my body, exactly where I belong.

If you are a person who is constantly overthinking, I want you to know that it is possible to make a change. You don’t have to live through this lifetime completely disconnected from your body and confused about your truth. Small changes & commitments over time make an impact that is unfathomable. You just have to begin.

You deserve to be here, now. xx

–

I have 2 spaces open for my 8-week, 1:1 alignment coaching container where I provide you the tools & verbiage to work through trauma, anxiety, heartbreak, or anything that is pulling you out of the present moment. xx

Work with Me