I'm Getting Divorced.
Yep. You read that correctly, that was not click bait. I'm going through the Big "D" Word.
There is no need (for now) to go into detail about what happened. He came into my life as a tornado whirlwind of love and he left as a different variation of a tornado.
My real goal through this process is to explain how my body & mind felt through this massive life transformation, so that it can maybe help guide just one person going through the same thing.
There are so many layers that come with divorce. Shame, guilt, questioning, reflection, deflection, sadness, hurt, joy, power, freedom, denial, acceptance and renewal. I got married young and quickly (8 months to be exact) which also included extra layers of explanation, “told you so’s,” and again… shame.
Overall, now, about 3 months into the transformation, I feel more joy, freedom, and presence than any of the others aforementioned.
One of the biggest lessons in all of this is that healing is HARD. We think our healing is complete and then BAM, we’re struck again. Over the last year I have addressed sexual trauma, setting boundaries & needs, my career/life passion, anxiety/panic disorder, my relationship with alcohol/drugs, and my physical location. I thought that would be the end of it… and then my marriage came crashing down.
As my internal world transformed through my healing process, I found myself needing to reintroduce myself to my partner. And it turned out, the new version of me wasn’t matching with the person he had transformed into. Therapy, long conversations, traveling, and even separating for a few months was not making my heart or mind feel settled.
I was learning to trust my body, and it kept telling me “no,” no matter how many times I told it “I want to make this work.” Something, or rather someone, was not aligning with this Self (who was more deeply connected to my truth than I had ever known) that was emerging.
As time went on I was feeling a continuous battle in my mind between staying & leaving. As my step mom likes to call it, dual thoughts. What had started as a simple “am I happy?” thought turned into a consistent stream of thoughts flying at me from all directions: “you love him.” “but are you still in love with him?” “I really hate that he’s doing xyz…” “but I’m grateful when he does …” “this doesn’t feel good in my heart” “ok I addressed it, now I feel ok” “ok, now there’s something else, will I feel like this forever?” “you have to end this” “you have to try and make it work”... the thoughts went on and on.
The mind becomes a crazy, chaotic place when we let it. It loves to grasp onto any of the juicy details of scenarios based on the past or the future. All we are doing is removing ourselves from the present moment. Then I read a line in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle that was something along the lines of, “if you can’t find presence in your current situation, you have to make a change now.”
And so, I committed myself to training my mind. I was sick and tired of being removed from the present moment. I was dedicated to getting out of my head and into my body so that I could make my decision based on what felt good instead of what my mind wanted me to think about.
I spent months sitting in stillness and connecting to parts of my mind so that they didn’t feel the need to emerge and protect me. I felt through emotions, I was compassionate when my thoughts wanted to take over, and I practiced deep gratitude for my body and its knowing. I spent months learning how to be present.
With my training and learning, it became more obvious that my presence was greatly hindered when I was with my partner. That’s when I knew it was time to make my decision. I didn’t have a million thoughts running rampant, my mind trusted my body, and my body knew exactly what to do. My body knew I had to walk away to continue my growth & healing.
This choice was not easy. It didn’t come without the heart wrenching heartbreak, curling into a ball and crying for hours, screaming with anger, fear of loneliness, and more crying. But I built a strong relationship with my body that I could wholeheartedly trust, and I could no longer deny or betray her.
If you’re reading this, deeply relating, and questioning your process, here are some of the indicators I felt in my internal process that made me choose to walk away:
Tightness in my chest
High anxiety
Restlessness when falling asleep
Deep fear & uneasiness in the back of my mind
Inability to keep a calm mind
Resistance in being nurturing (this one was important for me because I realized I love to be a nurturer)
If you’re going through what I am, I see you, hear you, and honor you. Let emotions arise and flow out of you, it’s all a part of the process.
If you are questioning your relationship/marriage, my only guidance for you is to get into your body. She (or he) knows exactly what to do. And in the straightforward, honest, and a little bit hilarious words of my sister, “If Jeff Bezos can get divorced, so can you.”
Big life transformation is never easy, but it is always worth it. xx
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I offer an 8-week, 1:1 transformational healing experience where I guide you through your process to address, face, and feel through trauma & anxiety. I provide you the tools & verbiage to explore your mind and become deeply connected to your body. Click the link below to learn more about working with me.
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